Safe Choices

The final portion of My recent exchange with My enquiring correspondent :) As before, My reply is expanded from the original.

Other seriously important things to consider are questions regarding play with the Dominant you have chosen. Is s/he really skilled enough to be doing the things to you that you crave? Can s/he verify this? Is s/he prepared to allow you to talk to other serves they hold? Is s/he safe in what s/he does? Do they have a good reputation on the scene? Is their personal, environmental and kit hygiene good?

Don't get Me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being new and learning as long as the Dominant is honest and tells you this. We all had to start somewhere! I strongly advise you to be careful at the younger (and more eye candy) end of things! Many here are 'wanna dommes' who have no true grasp of the psychological and emotional impact of play on others. Through no fault of their own they think that kink in real life is a one dimensional and simple as fictional characters are portrayed - 50 Shades has a LOT to answer for here. You should also be wary of 'escorts with a crop'. They are often only after your money and tend to charade as pro-Dommes with no idea of what real BDSM is about. If you are not asked searching questions about your physical and mental health do NOT play with them! If you're offered a 'happy ending' then you are dealing with an escort and not a true pro-Domme. NO pro-Domme worth Her salt will permit you to have sex with Her. To be blunt, pro-Dommes do NOT fuck their clients, escorts do!

A decent pro-Domme will ask you intrusive questions about your health and mental state. She will also ensure that you don't try to cram too much into your time. Frankly two activities is a squeeze to address within an hour of time, more than this will not permit deep enough exploration of the sensations you desire. So as a rule of thumb if a pro-Domme offers to fit in six items on your tick list She is after your coin, not sharing a fantastic experience with you. A good Dominant, whether professional or lifestyle, will also allow some come-down time from play to ensure you are feeling ok with your experience. We describe this as after-care and it is an essential part of deep play. Additionally, a good play session will include a warm up section and cool down section within the play to help you achieve a desired state to allow deep play.

Twistedly,

Mistress x

Due to continued issues with malicious code on this blog that I am unable to resolve consistently I have decided to relocate back on to Wordpress, effective from 19/04/2014. 

My current blog can be found at Mistress Muses - She Twists. Look forward to seeing you there! 

Twistedly,

Mistress x

Exploitation Risks

Further portions of my exchange shared and expanded (with thanks to the prospector who asked the questions x).

If you begin to collar bond with a Dominant you had best be certain that you took your safety seriously and made your choice of Dominant carefully. Many will exploit these feelings and this can result in you ending up with a dreadful mess on your hands and your life in pieces. You should ALWAYS question the Dominant concerned and have an additional source of sanity to check what s/he says against! I'd suggest reading the boards and comparing the responses of 'your' Dominant to those of other well established Dominants - are they in keeping or are they blatantly outrageous and manipulative? If your Dominant tells you that you may not have contact with other kinksters, what is s/he worried about?

Abusive relationships come in many flavours, and we recognise that unhealthy vanilla relationships often contain the excessive control of external contact with friends and peers. Also, just to be ultra clear - if you don't give your consent or are coerced into an activity it's not BDSM that you are experiencing but abuse. Bear in mind that abuse can be a two way thing, and that it is abusive towards a trusting Dominant if you agree to something, regret your decision afterwards and then try to say you were coerced. The degree of self-recrimination some Dominants can go through if they feel they've not acted appropriately can be massive, as can the repercussions for them socially in the scene. 

A good Dominant will listen to you and help to safeguard you both during play and at others times emotionally, psychologically and physically. This is often needed a day or so after play, when emotions are running deeply and there seems to be no way to feel balanced about your experience. This is made particularly difficult if you are balancing your kink with a valued vanilla relationship and need to keep both aspects entirely divorced from one another. This again comes back to making a wise initial choice, something that is easily rushed in the desire to finally manifest your dark desires. It also rests firmly on maintaining good communication while respecting that we all have lives and that your Dominant may have to wait until their life demands allow a response. A good way to deal with this is to have a pre-arranged check in with your Dominant a few days after play has taken place. In this manner you can arrive at a mutually convenient time to talk to each other, and you have a point of focus to hold on to if your reaction to play isn't what you anticipated.

Twistedly,

Mistress x

Bottom or submissive?

I've been engaging in some interesting conversations with a particular "fresh out the box" potential plaything. Without realising it he has inspired a few posts that I feel are needed. What a lovely 'accidental' serve from him :) I have decided to share some of our correspondence to further support others who are in a similar predicament to his.

One of the questions he has asked is how to tell if he is a bottom or submissive... 

It's hard to say if you are a sub or a bottom. Some start as a bottom but with the right person find their submission. A bottom likes to have play, but does not submit to the will of the Dominant. Submission is where you want to kneel for the Mistress - it can be an almost unstoppable thing (something that once resulted in Me having to keep a pointed finger under A5's chin to prevent him from kneeling in a vanilla area of a munch! LOL!). Submission often results in collar bonding which feels similar to falling in love with the Mistress despite being happily married. This can be a confusing, challenging and daunting experience to go through. 

It challenges who you thought you were on a deep level because as you start to 'fall in love' you realise that you are prepared to surrender more of yourself to the Mistress you see rarely compared to what you were prepared to offer your partner. This is a very deep experience to go through and is best navigated with good communication with the Dominant concerned, who should act to steady you off while you traverse some difficult waters. This sensation usually calms down in a short period of time (weeks or at most a few months). Lack of communication at this point often leaves a nasty little burrowing worm inside of you that will not go away and that is not under control, resulting in more psychological distress than is necessary for the person experiencing it. Once these feelings have calmed you are often left with a burning need to please your Dominant as well as to be played by them.

While this depth of submission is fine and in truth results in far more gratifying play for both concerned, it is only a positive experience if the Mistress you have chosen is sane and non-manipulative. Sometimes building a good relationship with a pro-Domme by visiting Her regularly can help. You have the opportunity to serve one person regularly, giving you the opportunity to explore areas in greater depth and to release some of your submissive feelings. The addition of monetary exchange into the equation will necessarily control how often you can see Her, again this is fine unless She manipulates you into seeing Her more often or into spending money you can ill afford from your family budget. Money will also keep a psychological gap between you and the Dominant you have chosen which can help to protect you emotionally, however, sometimes the bonding with a pro-Domme is such that you can move from being a paying client to a personal serve - this being what happened between Myself and My beloved Toy.

REMEMBER: you are responsible for your safety so PLEASE choose your Dominant carefully!

Twistedly,

Mistress x

Mental Health & Kink

The recent influx of young people entering into kink since the publication of 50 Shades has also raised some concerns for me as well as the joy of young energy flying about the place.

More and more often I am approached by established kinksters not knowing how to support these new people as they display behaviours that indicate mental health issues. 

As someone with a degree in psychology and a counselling qualification to similar level I tend to hear of any issues frequently, with a marked increase amongst the younger end.

My advice? In all honesty, YOU have a responsibility towards your safety first and foremost. To abdicate responsibility to another via the medium of kink and then expect them to support you is frankly immature and lazy. There are many others who are diagnosed with bi-polar, depression, etc. who take full responsibility for their actions.They take breaks from kink when they feel their mental health declining and deal with their problems like the consenting adults they are. I have significant respect for those who maintain this level of responsibility for themselves, as well as such regard for the impact they could potentially have on others. I personally know of several individuals who do take this approach, much kudos to them.

While I'm not for a moment suggesting that we as a community should shun such people, I do think it's important that we ask ourselves how responsible we established kinksters are to permit access to clubs etc.. to individuals who find a 'trigger' every eight seconds in the play room, or who are not in a fit mental state to make truly informed decisions. Not only are we allowing someone incapable of caring for themselves to be at risk, but we place others under duress too because 'someone' has to deal with the situation or see the rights and freedoms of others negated and impeded by such incidents. If you add an unstable mind to this mix that is unwilling to self-regulate and consider the impact of their actions on others, is there wisdom in playing with them? Such individuals worry me hugely when they identify as tops, the potentiality for significant harm to others is frankly frightening.

Many Dominants/tops are inclined to feel that they can 'fix' the person in question and often take control of too many areas of the sufferers world. This 'lame duck syndrome' is common amongst humanity and does little to nurture or support an individual towards an empowered position. Who exactly is being helped here?

Funding for mental health support is poor at best at the moment, with the NHS only really offering CBT as therapy (because it's 'measurable' for funding targets). It is also important to be aware that being involved in BDSM is still deemed a mental health issue under UK definition until 2017. Admitting you are involved in kink when you approach health care professionals can prevent your employment in protected areas such as teaching, child care, care of vulnerable others and many other professions. There is wisdom in realising that you need to care for your state of mind before you engage in kink.

To those of you that suffer from such illness, I urge you to be aware of how you are feeling and to never be afraid to take a break to allow yourself to 'regroup' before returning to active kink. It is also the sanest step you can take to make sure you can cope with the emotions released by opening this area in your world before you engage actively in kink.

To those of you who feel you can 'mend' someone, I ask you to look at your motivations and ability to support someone in this position. Do you really have the time to dedicate to someone who will not be even emotionally? Are you exploiting them? Have they honestly given informed consent? Are you 'supporting' them to make yourself feel better as a person? Do you actually know what you are doing or are you making things worse?

Twistedly & controversially,

Mistress x